Everything started with this one girl, the girl I was together with a few years back. I haven’t seen her for a couple of years, ever since we broke up. Well I haven’t talked to her atleast, saw her the other day at the store, she waved towards me while walking into the store (I was heading out at the time) and I saw her in the corner of my eye but all I was thinking about was “Why is this girl waving? Is there someone behind me?”. I noticed no one was close enough to me and that it was me she was refering to. Then I noticed it was one of my ex girlfriends, the one that I can’t get out of my heart. My brain couldn’t process everything fast enough for myself to be able to wave back so all I managed to do was raise my head in acknowledgment that I saw her waving.
After getting home from the store all I could think about was her, the moments we were together came back, all the memories, all the feelings and all the pain. All I could feel now was sorrow, not sorry about us, sorry for my own ass cause I’ve always felt that I was the sole cause for our relationship to end. It doesn’t help that my job makes me want to kill someone or just fall down crying on the floor. I can barely afford to live in my apartment and eating is at the bare minimum. I looked around in my mind to find someone to talk to and sure there is one person in the world I can talk to but that’s it, one person only. He knows all my dark secrets, all the embarrassing shit I’ve done in my life. I have always been his psychologist throughout our friendship, so I think he wants to take that part and help me aswell.
I just don’t feel like I can get help from anyone, I’ve always been on the giving side of helping people, I’ve never asked for help, never felt like I have needed it. Darkness is all I can see, I feel lost in all this chaos. I’m generally considered as a cocky kid while myself and my closests understand the way I act, why I do it and why everyone else should. I can admit I am quite ill-mannered, the reason for it is to single out people who can’t stand harsh sarcasm which happens to be a common thing among my acquaintances. To put it a harsher way is that I want to single out people I define as weak, if they can’t handle me then they can get the fuck out, I keep my circle of friends close and compact, few trusted and loyal people I would lay down my life for anyday. I wouldn’t trade them for anyone or anything.
I’m surviving, that is what I find important, even though I can barely afford to be alive I try to have fun and make the most out of everything. Living below minimum wage with a part-time job that makes me feel sick every time I go there my friends and family helps a lot even though most of them don’t know how bad I’ve felt. What keeps me most alive is my attitude towards myself and others, I want to harden others and make them as close to immune to pain as possible.